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I drive like Jehu in my diffidence
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in And you will know me by trail of radiohead pins' LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, March 9th, 2004
2:41 am
if i ever will let down the walls that protect me from you.......not in this lifetime
Right now I am proud to say I can find no reason to hate my life. What I am today meets my expectations and I am satisfied with all my talents and accomplisments, I like my path, I like my approach to certain problems.

It is brilliant. I've lifted that blurry foggy lens I had lookin' in on myself and now see all the splendour that exists within me.

I agree, I have a B i g P e r s o n a l i t y , as the book says....one that few can handle.

I'm the drama and criticism.
Normal people get choked up around both those things.

This highly developed sense of the drama allows me to an increased awareness of the dynamics of my own existence.

And the highly critical attitude that emerges to cut away all of the careless generalizations and sloppy thinking, that aims for the essence of truth.

I am a lot
and because I am too much for some people, shouldn't that put me in the higher position?

Not that I at all would like to be at the top, surpassing others in certain areas.... I can barely stand a full two minuets of focus directed towards me. I crumble in modesty.

I prefer that everyone equally have that impact on eachother, but that wouldn't be as fun. You need a mixed bag, of course. That's what makes the world fun to explore.

......But that's not my point here, my point was that I am a stronger, well built person if my personality is too large for one to fathom. :) I should be proud, not torn apart, never ever torn apart because I wasn't the one with the issue. :)

But it is only a dissapointment because I overwhelm many, abandon many, and never truly mean to. After all, I only want to know someone better than I already know myself.

I wonder if I am pixilating the reader here, I keep going off on tangents in my writing, digressing, just letting the thoughts flow freely.

I was wired very critical so of course its a struggle to wholly express all on my mind. I pick out and sort through thoughts and select the most accurate, the ones I feel others will want to hear, the ones I feel will capture attention, reach out to others.

..................But sometimes I look at others and envy how they can just tell everything. I feel alienated sometimes because I cannot.......I go for the rational approach.

And I never go too deep into discussing feelings. Oh yeah, and that's a silly sexist statement people tend to make how guys are all rational and girls are all irrational...because I am on the extreme. I think I may be even more so rational then most men are and that scares me sometimes.

It's even more pronounced because most of the time I'm too timid to say much at all.

Anywho, right now I'm just attempting to do something different here with this entry. Of course I may choose to, as usual make this entry private right away. But maybe not...should I? Eh, who reads anywho. lol

One last thing....just a snippit of my profile lol...which is so like me :P

"As responsible as many Libra-Scorpios seem in many areas of everyday life, they have an undeniably wild, unpredictable side. Dramatic and impulsive, they will unhesitatingly fly in the face of society's moral codes to assert their values or express themselves, which they can certainly do both cogently and flamboyantly. Even the mildest of those born on this cusp have an
exhibitionistic side, and want and need others to take notice of them. The private lives of Libra-Scorpios may include many many love affairs, charting a path strewn with the broken hearts of those who have had a relationship with them. Their particular brand of charisma, impulsiveness, and mental power makes them formidable and sometimes even dangerous individuals to be involved with."

ooooo yeah, very dangerous individual to be involved with heh...goes back to all of what i'd went into detail with before...my personality is too much for one to handle sometimes :P

Yeah, okay............that's all folks......till next time, watch Family Guy and sip on those new mini sized Pepsi cans b/c its not good to drink the other size for they are twice the size, twice the ammount of unhealthy refined sugars in liquid form.

Current Mood: chipper
Saturday, March 6th, 2004
3:26 pm
Well, obviously I have the digi cam back and workin' with my now workin' again computer :) Meanin' i plan to post more pics...of whack-o things...not any more of me really cause that can get old and boring lol.....so yeah, expect some nice little entries told in all pictures at some point weeehooo! :)

Current Mood: artistic
3:22 pm
meee pics :)


meh, just wanted another cool one for FTJ profile :)


this one's kinda odd, but hey, that's me lol


this would be a bit prettier had I some how found a way to reduce the sleepy circles under eyes..makes a fairly nice pic of me...i donno

Current Mood: complacent
Wednesday, March 3rd, 2004
11:52 pm
Building NOTHING out of SOMETHING yay
I would like to have some of my brain removed...well those stores of personal memories created over the past year. That would be sweet, yes it would. Oh yes, that new Jim Carrey movie just made me think of that. And damn I'd pay anything to have that done, seriously. But doing that wouldn't change any of the past though, no no no....damn that sucks...Memories, as I understand it, are located in the frontal lobe. So if go in there extract some part of it you disrupt many of the other processes that occur 'all up in that peice' lol... the wrong thing move could totally switch around certain motor behaviors, for it is where our Motor Cortex is located (all of our voluntary movements initiated there) or motivations or the emotional center, where the personality of an individual is found, the center where we plan things, motivations, behaviors, blah blah...well basically all of that good stuff that helps us to connect with one another and connect with ourselves.

Back in the 1940's and 50's actually certain doctors had performed a process called "Frontal Labotomy" on certain patients. This process was used to treat extreme emotional problems in those who really felt they needed the treatment. Reports found that only somewhere around 35% of those individuals with the severe emotional problems saw them diperse and clear up. The short-term effects were good as a result but of course it did not get better with age with most of the cases. Most of those who had the procedure performed on them often became more violent or showed no improvement at all. Some that improved socially/emotionally were left with serious probs in other areas-ie they found it difficult to make and carry out plans, adjusting to new social demands or behaving with appropriate emotional responses in social situations.

In my opinion much of the positive changes could be due to those people's placebos, yes ANOTHER psychology related deffinition!!! wahhhhh! lol The placebo is when a patient either takes medication, recieves an injection or undergoes an operation and they anticipate it having a certain effect on them, and this expectation leads them to actually come across that change in them just because they've expected it...so to me the Frontal Labotomies sounds like a placebo...the doctor came up with this treatment and predicted the outcomes, told the patients what the could expect and those expectations lead them to getting the expected results out of the treatment. Yeah. I really think that was silly of them to do. The certainly learned that carelfull follow-up work is essentail before declaring a treatment successfull (those dummies of their times!!) haha and that the frontal lobe has many different and important functions...not only the center of emotions. lol...Well that's how we ever learn things as a race, we experience and learn from mistakes of the past lol.....

So yes, back to me having a procedure done to clear out the memory. Yes, that sounds absurd now to think of it. Why the hell would I let myself do that to me. I mean its kinda sweet having memories like those and then seeing how it all ended and knowing that in the future I can sit with my next boyfriend and tell him all about the previous one so that they can avoid making such awful mistakes like his. I actually got to talk with this dude in my psychology class today oh man he is hotstuff...:) Lives in Greenwhich, so its not like it'll take decades to see the dude lol I woner if we will talk more again. I hope to, I really really do :) Oh man. Damn what am I doing, rambling on like a silly little teenage girl...heck. I'll stop and relieve you guys now :) RAR oh yes! I wanted to mention his name too because its not so common anymore...Oliver...Revilo hrmmm....I kinda like it backwards better lol......yay alright, peace out doods

-the kewty kyekyekye

Current Mood: contemplative
Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004
12:42 pm
We're planning to sell my dad's house here by the end of this year, as well as the skii condo we don't ever use really and my dad's going to buy a bigger estate in west norwalk!!! How cool is this? I mean its only an idea to consider now, but I mean I'm takin' seriously cause i'm needing to get away from familiar places and into something new, ya know? So that's the plan! I just have soooo much shit to move there, and all my posters and stickers and things on the wall...everything in the eves...oh it will be much havock, indeed .... lets wait n see! So yeah *another* move.

Current Mood: energetic
Sunday, February 29th, 2004
3:25 am
GODDDD THIS ASS COMPUTER!!! I typed up my entry and it never went thru cause the ads closed my browser, anywho, as I was saying, i drove with Carl 3 HOURS TOTAL tonight! yay i feel so accomplished for finally doin that....

and I actually got to zip onto the highway for the first time ever...so now i feel at any time i can go right back on there on my own....of course not with mom cause she freakin' pisses me off for thinking i'm going to crash up the car or leave the slightest dent on Jordan's volvo. It fucking sucks lol

Anywho, yeah, so we drove a *mad* long time...an hour in afternoon, w/ The Plan, Fugazi and Portishead as our soundtrack to the ride :)...then chilled at his house, watchin' tv, talkin' , then went out again, bought subway, came bac, went to the computer of his to check into concerts to go see...q and not u is playin in march, veryyyy close by too...i'm so anxious to see them, i so am hyped up for that lol...get up kids is an option too...but not too many others that i looked up....ah well..we missed les savy fav, craig saw that, well its all good.

So yeah, drank a lil tequila *oops* shouldn't have said, ah well...its nice to loosen up the inhibitions and tensions sometimes....let those alcohol neurotransmitters fit into the GABA locks on the neuron receptors :) (just a lil psychology lol) Yes it really helps though, a little bit makes so much of a difference and can actually even cause you to avoid having car accidents...I'm talking a few sips here and there, not your normal college kid binge does...or slightly lower than...lol...that would get someone killed because at that point you are too relaxed with driving...but I mean with a little bit just to loosen up relieves your brain, puts it in a positive mood where you can relax to be just enough alert of all situations...I drove around that way, indeed, Carl trusted me, I trusted myself...and I ended up driving perfectly good :) I'm sooo accomplished-feeling now lol Yeah, two more hours of night drivin'! whooohooo!

Oh yes. I may go into NYC w/ mom tomorrow to check out art museums...hrmmm....i wish i could bring someone and split and let mom go her own way afterwards lol....nah i have school the next day of course, gotta come home, do a little typin' and studying, yes....rah okay...

Anywho, yeah I gotta get to bed soon....damn

Current Mood: accomplished
Saturday, February 28th, 2004
2:56 pm
more interesting stuff relating to astrology
Just thought this was interesting, for I was about to go drive last night without liscence myself :P...also my dad, Scorpio, is an excellent driver, on the other hand my step-dad, Virgo is not and this article really sticks out that fact. I always know to buckle up w/ step-father but with dad I feel entirely and completely safe and rarely buckle up, as he never does :)

Data from a British insurance company

We were about to abandon this approach when we learned from an inconspicuous report by the German Press Agency that a British-based accident and insurance management company called VELO had no such misgivings and had produced statistics on this subject. The British insurers had data on around 25,000 claims made in 1996, including the dates of birth of the drivers involved, and they were willing to make the data material available to us.

When it came to traffic accidents we could see immediately there were obvious deviations between actual values and mathematical expectations.

First of all, the data provided did not include the dates of birth and the star signs to which they relate. Rather, the insurance statisticians from VELO had carried out their own percentage calculations and willingly gave us the results of their tests. We had absolutely no reason to doubt the thoroughness and accuracy of the evaluations made by a large British insurance company.

When it came to traffic accidents, we could see immediately that there were obvious deviations between actual values and mathematical expectations.

Could these figures still just be mere coincidence? Or can we conclude with some certainty that Scorpios are the best and Taureans the lousiest drivers?

The result: the distribution of star signs involved in accidents differed significantly from their distribution within the population of the study. The resulting odds were less than 1 in 1000, indicating that the deviations could scarcely be attributed to pure chance.

Having worked out the mathematical expectations, the separate analyses produced the following conclusions:

People born under the signs of Taurus and Virgo were significantly more often involved in traffic accidents than other star signs.

Conversely, Leos and Scorpios had sign)ficantly fewer accidents.

The exact values for the distribution of the individual star signs among those involved in traffic accidents and their distribution in population can be seen in the table on page 168.

TABLE 1 (click):http://www.gunter-sachs.de/astrologie/english/images/kap10abb01.gif
Who drives how?

GRAFIC (click):http://www.gunter-sachs.de/astrologie/english/images/kap10abb02.gif
Deviation of actual accidents from expected accidents in per cent

VELO also recorded the average cost per claim. Using this data, we were able to break down the claimants by star sign. Since we had neither mathematical expectations nor relative claim figures to hand, we shall do no more than show the actual amounts of the claims. Nevertheless, we can assume that the cost of the claim indicates the seriousness of the damage, which leads us to some interesting conclusions:

British Taureans and Virgos are not only involved in above-average numbers of traffic accidents, the damage they cause is also unusually serious.

According to these figures, Leos and Scorpios appear to be the best drivers, the latter putting in significantly lower damage claims.

TABLE 2 (click):http://www.gunter-sachs.de/astrologie/english/images/kap10abb03.gif
Who drives how?

Data from the Swiss Crime Statistics

In the previous chapter we looked at the correlation between star signs and criminal offences, basing our study on the Swiss Crime Statistics. Included in the investigation were three motoring offences:

Driving without licence
Car theft

Car theft refers to an incident where someone steals a car, takes it for a long or short spin and then abandons it somewhere.

Let us take another brief look at the results described in chapter 9, relating to car crime:

We found altogether four significant deviations from the mathematical expectation:

The following star signs were convicted more frequently than average of one of the aforementioned offences:

Sagittarius - Car theft (significant)

Pisces - Driving without licence and hit-and-run (each slightly significant)

Fewer Librans than might have been expected were convicted of driving without licence (slightly significant)

According to the insurance company's statistics, Sagittarians had a less than average likelihood of being involved in traffic accidents and their damage claims were exceptionally low. So it is surprising to find that they are over-represented in the car crime figures. Even so, this is not necessarily a contradiction, since driving without a licence or joy-riding in a stolen vehicle does not automatically lead to accidents


Comparison of the tables also reveals that:

The largest percentage of car drivers are Virgos, but people born under this sign are the least likely to have expert knowledge of cars.

Scorpios very frequently drive more than 20,000 kilometres per year, while Sagittarians are significantly more likely to drive less than 10,000 kilometres annually.

Drivers born under Capricorn prefer vehicles with high horse-power engines.

Apart from significant deviations, the tables also show some remarkable and entertaining peculiarities. For example:

Virgos and Scorpios are the most environmentally conscious, while Aquarians are not too bothered about protecting the environment;

There are above-average numbers of Sagittarians driving Mercedes, Libras driving BMWs, Scorpios driving Fords, Leos driving Audis and Pisceans behind the wheel of a VW or an Opel;

After Leo, Taurus is the star sign of the largest number of lorry drivers, but Taureans account for the lowest proportion of car drivers.
Friday, February 27th, 2004
7:48 pm
found another one...isn't quite as funny tho lol...but still, pretty informative..
The rest of signs on site...not puttin' link this time b/c all the dates of signs are off...ex, aquarius isn't Feb12 to Mar13 but Jan20 to Feb 19 : \

what they say about scorpios, my dad is true, that they do terrible things to small animals : \

so true about the aries :[

"To confirm your worst fears regarding your Sun constellation, the
brilliant psychologist and logician Dr. Pluto N. Mundo, that
curmudgeon of the Star Constellation Zodiac himself, presents the -


PISCES (FEB 20-MAR 21) You have a vivid imagination and sense of drama
and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI...or else you
are following them as a double agent. When you are off work, you tend
to see spirits, and so as an astral lover, you have no peer. In
general, you are an affable actor and like leading a double life as well
as an other-worldly life. The extraordinary emotion is your all!
Whether following your spiritual "Guides" or taking a Hitchhiker's Tour
of the Universe, traveling is your thing. Catch a falling star or a
flying saucer to Peru-that's the trip for you! The All is your All!
And the Act Must Go On! Dedicated to the glamorous, fantastic, and
deceptive, Pisces are incapable of fidelity and make good spies or car
sales-persons. In general, Pisces people are drunks, opium smokers,
writers, actors, psychics, and other creative types. You think reality
is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs. You'd love living at

ARIES (MAR 21-APR 20) You are the independent type and hold most people
in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, scornful of advice,
blunt and abrupt. You like to do things your own way; your arrogance is
disgusting. You thinks there's only your way and the wrong way to do
things. You are continually at odds with anyone who does not support
your narrow ideals. You are flash-in-the-pan lover (fast to fizzle out)
and nobody will go to bed with you twice. You set yourself up for
shallow, sexual encounters wherein you claim conquest. You should
become a photographer so you will have some way to remember all the one-
nighters. Besides being rotten in bed, you lack other social graces.
Naturally you are in the vanguard of any new movement since you can't
make it in polite society. You are not very nice. Hence, you make a
great Capitalist. Politics is your favorite game and Machiavelli is
your spiritual leader.

TAURUS (APR 21 - MAY 22) You are congenial, serious, a natural environ-
mentalist, and thick in the neck. Respecting "the Natural" means that
at Christmas, you won't even "Kill a Tree for Jesus!" You're the
only one worrying about the ozone layer. Because you "loaf and invite
your soul," you are sensuous, oversexed, and eat too much. You even
cook. "Good friends and good food" summarizes your philosophy. But
family values are your favorite thing, and you come from and reproduce
large families. Obviously you are a lover and main contributor to the
population explosion. Worse than a Communist, you might even be a
worshipper of Nature and the Great Mother. All this 'groundedness in
mind and skyclad body' stuff is just a coverup for a mother complex and
incestuous impulses. You have too many close relatives.

GEMINI (MAY 22-JUN 22) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. You
approach life like a game. And creating computer games is your most
lucrative occupation. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted,
but you will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack
of ethics. Geminis are inclined to try to get too much for too little
because they are clever enough to do so; this means you are cheap as
well as a thief and pervert. Jack of all trades, the nimble, the quick!
You would do well as a Talk Show or TV Game Host. Just tapdancing your
way through life! But people like you because you are bisexual and have
no sticky emotional ties to either sex. People also tend to think you
are a swinger because you are entertaining and musically talented. You
have a sense of playfulness and youth and never grow up, so people
overlook your Peter Pan Complex. Hence, you best represent the American
Way of Life, and the Pepsi Generation.

CANCER (JUN 22 - JUL 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to
people's problems. Therefore you make a good follower. People think
you are a sucker and a soft touch. You have a lively imagination and
respond well to TV commercials and soap operas, on which you are as
dependent as if they were your family or welfare check. You think you
know what people like, but you have no discrimination in lovers and will
make do with any bum with magnetic appeal. You collect all kinds of
junk as your artistic taste runs to knickknacks, and gingerbread,
rococo, over-ornamentation. At best, Cancers have the personality of
fuller brush salesmen or politicians. All for the gratification of the
moment! You do well running your mouth, but your brains and your thighs
are full of putty, and you are lazy and fat.

LEO (JUL 22 - AUG 23) You consider Yourself a Born Leader. Others think
You are a pushy, ego-tripper. Because You are so full of Yourself, You
have what it takes to survive a Presidential Campaign. You tend to be a
liberal, right-wing Republican Baptist, a supporter of God, Motherhood
at any cost, Virginity, U.S. Military Expansion, and Absolute Monarchy.
You decorate Your home with pictures of Yourself and read books on the
Rich & Famous. You think driving a Big, Expensive car makes You
Important, and You think any job You have is a Career. Since You
believe any flattery, You definitely accept all compliments graciously
and can thus be easily prevailed upon. You love Titles and Status
Symbols and show great generosity to menials who You require around You
to witness to Your Superiority. You don't notice how bad Your lover is
in bed if he or she has Expensive Taste and looks good. Leos are known
as very self-confident, competent, Braggarts and Bores.

VIRGO (AUG 23 - SEP 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. You
own too many dictionaries, health and reference books. You hang
pictures straight and do your income tax expertly. This knit-picking is
sickening to your friends of whom you have very few. Before the
improbable event of your having an affair, you organize your underwear,
calculate extra laundry costs, and expect health certificates from
prospective lovers. You are unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while
making love if you aren't planning your next week's schedule. Daily
routine is your favorite mania. However, Virgos make good ashtray
cleaners, budget planners, librarians, sanitation inspectors, and
professional virgins. You think if you make a list, you know what
you're doing. You wash your hands too much. Lady MacBeth is your God

LIBRA (SEP 23 - OCT 22) You are the artistic type, get along with people
too well, and therefore are judged to have a difficult time with
reality. Since Libras are absent-minded compromisers, people tend to
think them devious because nobody believes in unselfishness. You prefer
politeness, appeasement and reconciliation to standing up for yourself.
Luckily, congeniality is not hereditary. Your stylistic sense of True
Colors makes you an excellent decorator. Good thing, because you have
no true grit. But chances for employment and monetary gains are
excellent anywhere you can be a professional "Yes-sayer." Since you are
a hopeless Romantic and hardly ever meet a person you don't like,

SCORPIO (OCT 23 - NOV 22) Though straight-forward and energetic, Scorpios
are also argumentative, fiesty, uncouth and like offending people.
Scorpio men are macho-chauvinists, have smelly armpits, and think sex is
all muscle and calisthenics. The Wham Bam approach. Scorpio women are
tomboys and make good lady wrestlers. You are all accident-prone and
love bragging about your scars. In general, Scorpios like dirt, mud-
slinging, and other acts of passion. Only snakes would think Scorpios
are charming. For you, 'working it out' & 'going for the burn' in
exercise, love, or war is a good way of life. You don't know when to
give up. You believe that 'God loves a Grunt' and that 'getting down &
dirty' is next to godliness. Your next-best idea of heaven is the
Olympics. The Jock mentality is the only one you've got, and you are
successful in athletic pursuits where bad temper and argument is
rewarded. Most Scorpios are murdered by other Scorpios--and should be.
You do terrible things to small animals.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22 - DEC 21) You are optimistic and have a reckless
tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. You tend to think
positive and so get more out of life than you deserve. You prefer to
see 'half-empty' as 'half-full." You believe that too much of a good
thing is wonderful, and that God will provide that for you. The
majority of Sagittarians are status-seekers, snobs, religious fanatics,
and other kinds of gamblers. You really do think it matters what other
people think of you. You are houseproud and undersexed and a Bible-
toter. Your only love affairs will be Platonic. Your personal mantra
is "Every day in every way, I'm getting better and better!" This does
not apply to your nightlife. Because of your incessant goodness, you
drive your spouses to drink and into extra-marital affairs. You will
die devoutly living the good life and traveling as a distinguished

CAPRICORN (DEC 21-JAN 20) You are conservative and afraid of taking
risks. You are skeptical in all matters but believe in work like a
religion. You are so responsible, you feel guilty if you have fun. You
take 'Dull' to new lows. You think functional practicality is the only
consideration, and have no capacity for emotional rapport. You really
can live on bread alone. Capricorns are miserly, anal-retentive, live
in unfurnished gothic rooms, and eat from generic-labeled tin cans.
Surviving an economic depression is your favorite thing; you framed your
first dollar. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You
have no sex drive and don't even masturbate (saves energy!). You are a
rotten conversationalist and would tend to make good only as a vivi-
sectionist or mortician. Morbidity becomes you.

AQUARIUS (JAN 21 - FEB 20) You have an inventive mind, are inclined to be
progressive and opportunistic, and like to do your own thing. You
obviously smoke too much dope. Because you are organized enough to just
go about getting things done, people think you are offbeat, cool,
and non-committal. You tend to volunteer for things like the first
space flight to the Moon. You are tolerant of others, support communal
living and love-ins rather than war, are offhand about paying your
debts, and are therefore obviously an anarchist. You don't care who you
sleep with as long as there is variety. Otherwise, Aquarians make good
social welfare workers-that is, when they are not traveling the globe
living off whoever will take them in. Since you don't care how you
look--plaids with stripes and no two socks alike--people think you are
stupid and lazy. You believe in the universality of all people. Hence,
you are a threat to the status quo."

Current Mood: weird
Wednesday, February 25th, 2004
1:28 am
when it came to fight i thought ill just step aside and time would prove you wrong
So so many coincidences lately...one word:symbolism...anywho coincidental happenings have been occuring at least once every day for the past week...hrm...

I was speakin' to Soto 'bout Mr. Donovan that math teacher in the Rotten Shit erhem...Roton school lol...first time bringing that name up in soo long...later on that day I'm waiting to be picked up at NCC and who comes walkin' out the door where I'm waiting!??? MR D! It freaked me out to seem him again and I was freakin' him out too...really really uncomfortable meeting, I got bad vibes lol...I think Roton students permanently fucked up his brain lol...

Then I have those dreams...last night I dreamt that I was wearing a Radiohead shirt and my bag with all the pins in a school somewhere, not Plymouth, and out of the blue everyone starts singing a song off of the Bends, well I hear it on the school radio and I start it off and I'm shocked when everyone else tunes in, of course I don't appreciate it b/c I'm supposed to be the only fan but I have my bag w/ the pins to show off and no else does and that proves I'm the absolute fan lol...so how does this link to my coincidences?? Well...those 9 Radiohead pins...the same set I bought two years back, it came in the mail today!!!!! I was totally not expecting those to come, nor have I been wondering where they are recently...yeah last week sometime..but didn't even give thought at all this week...and then I dream of radiohead and having the pins on my bag to prove I'm into Radiohead more than the rest of the school's population is lol....gah that was a mouthfull there!

Just last night I was looking at that Astrology profiles book again and for the first time pondered to myself "Hrm...when will I ever meet someone born on the very first Astrological sign of the year, March 21st...I wonder what those people are like...hrmm..".<~~that was the very first time musing that. Today I had the pleasure of talking to Chris, this dude who sits next to me in my psychology class, on the AIM tonight. Soon enough I get to ask him that burning question "so dude, when's your b-day?" and I was expecting he'd answer either a Virgo or Capricorn date for some reason but instead he tells me its in march, its MARCH 21st!!!!

Gosh I love how I can just totally relate with soto in terms of the way we think and how view life...our humor is almost identical, and I so hope he isn't readin' this, which he prolly won't be since he rarely goes in his to update his journal haha...but. Of all the people I speak w/ on here and in real life I get along with Soto the most...but yeah I'd express myself a little more and you would *know* there's some kinda relation between our personalities if not for this inhibiting social anxiety...and yeah birth order also plays a role though...he's the younger of siblings in his family...me, I'm the older one, meaning more mature and reserved...less likely to blurt things out hehe

Below is just a lil advice written to my friend Carl who's going through something entirely similar to what I've been through. Hearing his situation encouraged me to spit out this advice (haha nice way to put that, huh lol) and I've realized that the advice I'd given to him is some I can give myself too which is pretty neato. I'm glad I haven't lost sight of what possiblities are to come. I'm glad I now see all the love around me and I'm not letting it all slip away!!! :D But oh yes, more on his situation. He was hearing less and less from his now ex, Nichole...it was tearing him apart how she would not contact and keep in touch or anything of the sort...he thought it would last longer, he thought she was true and sincere and all that she said and she prolly was...but i donno she may have said things on the phone on one of the rare occasions they actually got to talk to eachother that were sweet and sounded truthfull and in actuality were lies...think that was the case...She calls him up, a few days back now, to let him know that she can't be in the relationship anymore...also admits she was kicked out of her house...I don't know too many details about this though so I won't really expand on it unfortunately lol...But yes, distance is killer. Some can make it work but most of the time it fails. The relationship just isn't the same when u can't see/touch/share a day with that person when you wish too because they are just too far away. She is five hours from him....I was five hours too...distance just ruptures the bond...only the strong can make it strong again but most aren't capable unfortunatley but that's okay. When one's strong and the other partner isn't it causes an unbalance and unbalance breaks the bond...sad, but that's life. So for anyone who knows they will in the future be far from there partner heads up to you, talk to your partner about it before hand because it may seem like nothing at first, not until you actually experience it will you know what the effects can be. Either make promises to stay strong, discuss issues and cons to staying together with the long distance inbetween and break up before hand.

"Just think back to before you met her and before you knew her name,

Then think back to the moment you met her.
She was just another girl then.
Someone who you knew very little about.

But then, little by little you picked up and more and more facts about her life. All these bits and peices you'd amassed and collected over the days you knew her built up to create this high, supreme image you hold of her. Made you believe "Oh there is only one person out there who is worth spending the rest of time with, only one." But you would be wrong to think this. Billions of people live out in the world surrounding us. Just think for a second. One million seconds is approx. two weeks......but one *billion* seconds is 32 YEARS.

Now that she's gone you have a chance to get to know another person as well as you knew her. You have to remember you can pick another girl at random and do just the same cause everyone has the same splendour about them. You can only see this splendor after knowing them day after day, collecting facts about who they are and such.

Time can make all the difference. Sure enough time winds on and on and you will start to see another girl in the same light, I'm sure. Eventually you'll forget about Nichole and see everything this new girl has to offer. Don't give up everything just because one person lets you down. Look at it as a fabulous opporitunity to search another living soul. You'll very soon realize how foolish it was to think there was only *one* out there for you because there is *so* not.

Just a lil advice :D"
Yeah its not worth fighting to stay with someone who won't change, who isn't willing to treat you nicely with respect, especially one who doesn't openly admit they love you any more. I deserve more and someone else deserves my love. It is a dissapointment, how I for the first time was able to confess to a guy that I loved them...that was a major struggle for a long time. Even a struggle to discover I actually felt love for him, only after I'd woken up to the fact that it was true love could I announce the L word of course, I'm not insincere and don't overuse it and all.
Fighting is to defend. I will not fight for what is lost now because fighting is for defending only and he's not you know threatening me in any way...yes "there are things you can't avoid you have to face them when youre not prepared to face them". End of story. Move on and if he comes back he comes back and if he doesn't so what...lets not dwell on that, hope for that...at this point it is best for me to start over with someone who is wanting me, who sees me as beautiful, who sees potential in me and himself being together. That is what will ahppen...and yes...will happen soon :)

School is fullfilling, completes my day but I just feel that I should be doing other things...initiating projects on my own in all this spare time I have...I'm creative, how come I can't put my creativeness to use now, huh? Why can't I put myself to working on something creative...well...I'm going to continue to sleep on that, but its not like what I've done the past few nights has brought me to any conclusions as to where I should go, what I should do...When it comes down it though, why am I yearning to start up a creative thing in the first place...it's not entirely just to take away boredom but its to gain more recognition I suppose, I wish to be noticed and to be noticed ya do things to get noticed :D I certainly do have a lot of things to be working on though for example, brushin' up my Japanese, reading into current events and learning how to stop world hunger and volunteering and all that...but yeah I guess I'm just being kinda like all other Americans, wanting things and wanting them as quickly as possible...in this case its the recognition..I would like to find a project I can complete quickly and thereafter gain alot of recognition for it...what other than composing music and being in a band huh...recording songs...sometimes it can be instant fame as opposed to studying a foriegn language day upon day, learning all there is to know and impressing someone with your fluency...but that hard work doesn't get you the same recognition, no no no...which *SUCKS* yes. :) Anywho...gotta go now...sleepin' a bit earlier tongiht...peace!

Oh right and I'm going to possibly get a tatoo when Carl gets one either Friday or Sat...I'll have to ponder a bit more...hrm...I'm outta money tho rah ahwell

You where only waiting for this moment to arise…blackbird fly, blackbird fly. :)

Yes, last thing....d i e t n o w is n eeeee eeeeee ddddd eee dddd!!!!
Current Mood: contemplative

Current Mood: contemplative
Wednesday, February 11th, 2004
2:11 pm

Trading Cards
Paid Account Edition
User Number: 183895
Date Created:2001-06-15
Number of Posts: 80

Kyle is a great multitalented character. A Libra, she appreciates beauty and beautiful surroundings and people but is accepting of everyone living, especially those who she can easily get along with, so pretty much just about everyone living. She hates discord and does everything in her power to keep the peace between people. She listens to Radiohead mostly but enjoys a wide variety of emo and indie rock music. Her musical interests can be found in the live journal user profile in the "interests". Overall, she is a great partner in all respects, so do get to know her and enjoy doing so.
Strengths: She is interested in the weather and persuing a career in Meteorology but could also go into numerous art professions including graphic design, photography, etc. She has a high IQ of 129 too...doesn't brag about this often though. Very affable and friendly and accepting of all people.
Weaknesses: She hates discord and does everything in her power to keep the peace between people. But this can be unfavourable for own personal prefferences and needs can go unheard and forgotten about through trying to please people and such.
Special Skills: Knowledgable when it comes to the Japanese language, highly artistic, can hold breath for long time under water, is really good at scanning through something, accourding to IQ test taken, very athletic, blah.
Weapons: Evil Eye, Sharp canine teeth, powerful words,
Favourites: Radiohead, Apple pies, Wendy's mandarin chicken salad, black cats, Natalie Portman, Thom Yorke, Scotland, Japanese writing system, Indie/Emo music

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Monday, February 9th, 2004
11:59 am
Sunday, February 8th, 2004
4:34 pm
I saw Ben's play last night afterall. Was a bad idea cause I ended up tagging along with him afterwards hoping to get just one more chance to change things around but now I know its final. I embarrassed myself at that stupid Brett's house gathering...I like Brett though he was sweet to come over and console me. I was hoping Ben would do that...I was wanting Ben to do that but the more I cried the less willing he was to give me the attention I deffinately deserved. He was being cocky about that shitty performance he put on last night. Seriously it was horrid and ugly and rotten and he is a sleeze bag for turning the play in that direction. Then he wore those hideous black fishnets at the gathering w/ Brett and it made my stomache shoot up into my throat. He had this stupid phrase on his belly "soy bomb" which he kept showing off too and the more he lifted his shirt the closer I was to punching him there and wanting to hurt him horribly for being the biggest dick ever lately. So we are split and I guess I'll need to find a replacement now.
I saw me and Ben having so much potential though. We were a strong connection for an entire year goddammit and now he wants to change it all. Oh well. I'm so indecisive. I keep shifting from wanting to ditch him to wanting to fight for what he wants to throw out. I don't know...still don't know what way to head now.
It's getting dark and I've done nothing but sit on the computer for all of the afternoon.

But yeah...last night for the first time I looked up at Ben and thought to myself "Man, you are the ugliest person I have ever come in contact with. Why do I want to feel this way towards you you are pathetically ugly in every way shape and form. why did you ever meet me".

Current Mood: blank
11:59 am
Stop pacing about the room so much.
Walking....stop pacing about the room and make up
your mind already.

What JTHM moment are you?
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Thursday, January 22nd, 2004
12:32 am
I'm not worried about my life, it's too big. Carpet stains on the ground and I think I've found a way out downstairs turn around. Wake me, take me up upside down. Head down, lay down. No one is ever around when I need them most. Ricochet, right now. I'm not worried about my life, it's too big. Carpet stains on the ground and I thought I found a way out Downstairs turn around. Wake me, take me up upside down. Hands down, lay down. No one is ever around when I need them most. Ricochet ricochet, right now
Episode IV leads us away from here. don't expect to find what you're (looking to). i can see the light leading away from you. let's disappear, we'll take a trip of no return to outer space. and swim in pools which keep us warm, cleaned off the sand from off your feet. we'll dance off time to the songs we've never liked. and sing off key thinking it sounds all right. and you know I almost lost my will to live. (we're sure) you tell time in your. episode IV leads us away from here. don't expect to find what you're (looking to). let's disappear, both take a trip of no return to outer space. and swim in pools which keep us warm, cleaned off the sand from off your feet. we'll dance off time to the songs we've never liked. and sing off key thinking it sounds all right. and you know I almost lost my will to live. (we'll show) and tell time one more time. and you know I almost lost my will to live. (we'll show) and tell time to your friends.
I hate the past

I can't see anything at all, all I see is me
that's clear enough
and that's whats important, to see me

my eyes can focus
my brain is talking
looks pretty good to me
my head's on straight, my girlfriend's beautiful
looks pretty good to me

sometimes I speak
tonight there's nothing to say
sometimes we freak
and laugh all day

hold these pages up to the light
see the jacknife inside of the dream
a railroad runs through the record stores at night
coming in for the deep freeze

Mary: a simple word, are you there in the country?
Yr eyes so full, yr head so tight
can't you hear me?
Remember our talk
that day on the phone?
I was the door, and you were the station
with shattered glass and miles between us
we still flew away in the conversation

my cup is full, and I feel okay
the world is dull, but not today

she think's she's a goddess
she says she talks to the spirits
I wonder if she can talk to herself?
If she can bear to hear it?

this is Eric's trip
we've all come to watch him slip
he's slipping all the way to Texas
can you dig it?

(Eric says "The sky is blue...")
I see with a glass eye
the pavement view
a shadow forming, across the fields rushing
thru me to you

we tore down the world, and put up four walls
I breathe in the myth
I'm over the city, fucking the future
I'm high and inside yr kiss

we can't see clear
but what we see is a alright
we make up what we can't hear
and then we sing all night

scattered pages and shattered lights
a jacknife and a dream
there's something moving over there on the right
like nothing I've never seen

speak to me in a language i can hear humour me before i have to go
deep in thought i forgive everyone
as the cluttered streets greet me once again
i know i can't be late, supper's waiting on the table
tomorrow's just an excuse away
so I pull my collar up and face the cold, on my own
the earth laughs beneath my heavy feet
at the blasphemy in my old jangly walk
steeple guide me to my heart and home
the sun is out and up and down again
i know i'll make it, love can last forever
graceful swans of never topple to the earth
and you can make it last, forever you
you can make it last, forever you
and for a moment i lose myself
wrapped up in the pleasures of the world
i've journeyed here and there and back again
but in the same old haunts i still find my friends
mysteries not ready to reveal
sympathies i'm ready to return
i'll make the effort, love can last forever
graceful swans of never topple to the earth
tomorrow's just an excuse
and you can make it last, forever you
you can make it last, forever you
This city has lost a certain hold inside
It feels so worn being chained here to this life
I've been around and seen one hundred scenes
Where those who dare to tread the wheel
One day find out what's behind that hill
Spend half a life deciding what went wrong
Trying to find out what took you so long
Until you feel it's all part of some crazy scheme
It conjours in you memories 'til
You discover what's behind the hill
You picked me up and we went for a drive
Into the stained glass cavern of the night
You turn to say, your eyes fixed on the rows
Take me from this place I know
The ruined landscape that I once called home
I don't know what in this world is trying to save me
But I can feel its hand and it's guiding me in sign
From lives I've tried to lead
To the one that I received
Each painted sign along the road
Will melt away in source tags & in code
Wednesday, January 21st, 2004
1:14 am
Wow I discovered some dude I met on here's wonderfully catchy band :D It's sweet...they plan on touring heading eastward in summer...I hear its their first tour ever but they sure sound like they are ready for it...nice stuff :) Anywho his LJ is inhumanbeing if anyone wants to checkitoutcheckitoucheckitout :) cools. tata for now!
Wayne Ocrazot (12:53:44 AM): we've improved since, but if you want to hear it, the mp3s are up here : https://netfiles.uiuc.edu/ozaksut/shared/ (the songs that are ours are the ones without other band's names in front of them...)

just something written:

Somedays the looks and words you throw
Cause my casting fiery sparks to blow
Over lengthy miles and high up over hills
Into the ocean they spill
Drifting to the bottom
Lost, abandoned, forgotten
But drift into the prescence
Of other cool ashes so very peaceful and pleasant
Who were once sparks aloft
Spreading light and warm atop
The montains that stretch into heavens
But now sunken and dreading
It will be for eternity
That they exist under the sea
But someday this will happen to you
One day I look forward to.
Sunday, January 18th, 2004
6:19 pm
Wow. What an intense past week this has been...uh...Josh did give me the needed push to talk with my family about the college matter and they wholly agree that it is best for me to move onto where I really should be. It was a smart thing of me to do, to hold all my dreaded depressed feelings in until I got better on my own before confessing to them all the plans I have of shifting my life around and such.

I belong in an art proffession. I mean people who know me and know of my art talent over the past year, all relatives, friends of mine, everyone one of them *believes* in my talent. This has led me believe in my talent as well and oh gosh with out their believing in my talents I don't think that I could ever allow myself to drop out of meteorology. I would still be at loss as to who I am and what potentials are within. Oh gosh. So, I really don't know what to say bout the rest of the semester. I can't start up the Art classes up until fall of this year b/c they dont offer the same ones in spring semester. I think I should stay home all the way through the next 7 months, get myself a job at Border's maybe...hrm...I honestly don't know if my parents want me doing that...will it be an issue to just take a semester off like that? What is needed to do about it now? I wonder...I'll find out...

Okay :D Unfortunately I couldn't see Alex before he left Friday night. He told me on Wednesday that he couldn't make it down b/c of predicted snow, which came, and b/c there was a film majors meeting on sunday and class starts tuesday so he told me he had no way of getting down to Norwalk. Its no big deal though. I'll see him over spring break in march perhaps...It was a slight disapointment but I suppose its all good now.

Last night I went into NYC...tore through the money earned makin' cookies and money given as x-mas presents...I spend a heck of alot. $18 for train ticket $4 for subway ticket $30 for the show Mission of Burma $8 for a CD $3.50 for dinner and $15 for a shirt that I lost five min after I sat down with :( That was a real shame :( But the rest of the money was well spent. I enjoyed the show, we were close to the stage...in spitting range of the the guitar player Roger Miller lol...it was pretty loud and most of their sounds to me just sounded like jumbled tangled knots of noises with an okay drum beat behind it. I highly enjoyed the four songs that were familiar to me, although those too sounded too much of the same, sorry to say. I wish we were more in the center like Brendan and Soto were wanting to do b/c I know if we were we could all immerse ourselves a bit more and be less dull b/c isn't that the point of having music and going to see concerts? Music is supposed to engage you, get people together...it was sorta boring at times because I'd look around and people were just staring blank faced and dull either that or just onlooking like I was and nodding their heads...the band plays for everyone's enjoyment not just for their own. Bluh why do I ramble on like this blah lol

I was hungry before the show, bought that pizza that tasted like Sbarrrow but I just couldn't consume...something made me lose all apitite, I guess it was anxious excitement to get to show...and the fact that we were in NYC and how I was outdoors for once :) At times I felt annoyed around the group b/c I didnt exactly feel noticed or included most of the time. Soto was wary many times of where I was and the mood I was in and I can give credit to him but Brendan and Ben were just kinda interupting eachother, talking over eachother and fighting to get sentenses in, not really interested in including everyone and making everyone feel as part of the group. I hate it when conversation is competitive like that, more talking and less listening and understanding. I guess its also b/c I'm not quite as good of a friend to brendan and soto either b/c I've only hung around brendan like three times...and Soto twice. Well blah what does it matter anywho. Bah why am I so affected by it anywho. I know why but I don't wish to ramble on and on again.

Yeah, so overall it was awesome. I enjoyed the night...there was a dilema on the way home though with the subway passes...the stupid swiper machines were having issues with our cards it was complete nonsense. Soto got through but only him so the three of us were forced to find another subway entry...when we did my card worked but Brendan's was still messed up...we were feeling a bit rushed and afraid to miss the train so you can imagine how nerve wracking this was for all of us...and the fact that soto was stranded one the other side of that other entrance that we couldn't pass through...so Brendan and Ben went in with one card and it so happens there was an officer on the lookout. Saw the two pull that move and came right for us. They were pulled out to the police booth for some time while me and Dan were stuck in the stinky moulding smelling hallway with the geiser music...after some twenty min they came back out...each with a ridiculous $60 fine for pulling a move like that. The good thing is that we didn't miss the train. It was actually 25 min later than we'd anticipated so we had time to squat down and take a little rest. The ride home we were both high on tiredness or something...lol...Me and Ben got off in Rowayton and Ben came over to spend the night...or what little there was of it remaining. It was sometime around 3:20 when we'd finally arrived at home...there was a nice sheet of snow on the roads and everywhere we walked and as we did the snow was still coming down...very very pretty sight...but much too late to enjoy it...we got a nice peaceful sleep in...he only had three hours tho b/c he had to race back to the train at 7:30. I didn't want him to leave but sometimes ya just gotta do what ya gotta do to get by. I know I'd prolly get a chance to see him tomorrow anyhow since its a day off for those high school guys heh...so after he'd gone off I drifted right back into sleep...slept til 11:30, lay in bed for an hour w/ thoughts feeling so blah and upset w/ myself for sleeping so late...I listened and waited for my dad to go and then finally wandered downstairs...ate b/c I was starving since five or six the night before and then wandered back into bed somehow...slept another three hours...man I just want to do something productive right now. Like bike riding perhaps...but yeah it just snowed another five/six inches. eh i'll switch on the ole tele again. I'd rather not go on AIM for a while...I'd just rather not lol....okies...bubye

Current Mood: awake
Wednesday, January 14th, 2004
2:47 pm
revisiting a new place
Odd dream last night:

I dreamt that I was visiting BMHS after they had changed everything inside dramatically. I wandered in there in my solitude while classes were in session, treaded firstly into the music/art hall. The new BMHS had carpet put down in the hallways, a velvety soft carpeting which was of a dark colour. The old painted murals on walls were painted over, painted over a new whitish green/blue/pink i dont remember colour but it kinda upset me to see this. The entrance the to the caffie was in a different place, and the caffie itself was even remodeled and had nice carpeting and brilliant new tables, more spaced out and seemed much less crowded and even smelled better (not that I could actually smell anything in the dream but i had a thought of the way it couldve smelled). The door at the end of the old art hallway was no longer an exit. I walked up to Tate's room which no longer had a window in the door to peek on in. He also had his name on a new sign just like the other rooms. I got really intimidated reaching out for the door knob and hovering by the new entrance that I just couldn't find the will to enter. I turned back around and headed to the other caffie entrance, this too was no longer a legitimate caffie enterance and had been turned into another storage room or something else I donno what was beyond the door. I chose to exit the building through the back door. Somehow I wound up following a group of students into the gym that looked the same as it had before pretty much. Some activity was taking place here and I joined in feeling as part of the student body again. Here I bumped into Zeneida who was happy to see me again and we both felt like we blended in perfectly. It shocked me to find her here the very same day I chose to visit and how she snuck into the class too. It was more shocking how the teacher didn't realize that we didn't belong here and that we were graduates that shouldn't be allowed to re-enter the school. I headed on back to the front entrance, looked at my watch and noticed that it wouldn't be another hour until I got to see Ben outside during the third lunch. The first lunch was in session now. I went out the front doors, walked into Jasmin who was w/ some other person and Teresa. They didn't recognize me and I didn't let them, I just kept walking. I walked out to the end of the platform to where there now were stairs that led into that door that's at the edge of the platform. I bump into Mike Riith who's sitting next to, or under, some person that I don't know. I let him know that I was Kyle, told him I hadn't seen him online at all really, he answered back...i don't remember what he said...As I walked back into the school he mumbled something I couldn't pick up on. I wound up in the part of the school that was originally what would be seen if you enter in the far entrance. The stairs were still under construction, these new spiraling wooden stairs that led up to the second floor. It was weird, they didn't seem nearly as wide as they should be. I attempted to climb them and then realized I was making a mistake, that these stairs hadn't been finished yet. So I jumped back dorwn and the pieces of wood began to tumble over and fall in every direction. I anxiously picked up and held the peices together to prevent the collapsing of the brand new staircase that it seemed someone had spent a long while dillegently working on. I walked further down this hall and as I walked away from the stair case that looked like it could just hold in place the part I had climbed just dropped down and fell into a pile on the ground. Some people caught notice but didn't say anything. I walked further down and, again, came across more carpeted floor. The hallway narrowed and all sorts of openings to different rooms that weren't class rooms appeared on my right, where the gym should be but obviously wasn't. At the end of the hall I walked right into this lounge sorta place with a nice couch and a nice TV, magazines in piles on tables and video game systems. I turned left and deeper into the room there was a bed! with pink sheets and the area was dimly lit. I couldn't understand why they had this new student center in a high school for its only a high school not a college or anything...?? and even weirder a bed!...I felt wrong to be in this room so I turned to walk out. On my way out there was now someone sitting on the couch. I approached him and asked him what the room was for and he told me its off limits to non-bmhs students that its the new student center and I was like okay I better get out of here then. He mentioned before I escaped that he'd recognized me, he said "hey weren't you, two years ago, in that play?...that crystal winter play of whatever where you were wearing that long gown and all" and I'm like "yeah that was me...I think I remember seeing you in the auidience in fact...wow that was a long while ago". I thought to myself after this that it hadn't only been two years but four years back in my history but I didn't say anything more and just walked out. On my way out I wake up...

Current Mood: chipper
Friday, January 2nd, 2004
12:13 am
late nice arent that night
I feel as if I've fallen yet again into a state of depression. I just can't keep myself myself lately. Every ounce of enthralling thoughts and muses just quickly evaporates the very moment they collect there in my brain. I know it shows in my actions lately. I can't pinpoint quite what makes me feel this way cause its more than one thing...like one bad thing then catalyzes and causes a whole freakin' string of screw ups and messy things. Well my b-day happens to be in the Drama and Critisism period of the year so I guess these depression periods are in my nature...oh how I wish they could make Zoloft into a food...like some kinda sweet yummy drink...after that i would be gulping down every last drop every day...

Last night I was stuck in ben's friend's place...which i was content w/ initially b/c it was an opporitunity to fall asleep next to ben and all...Instead things took a turn for awful because they had the tv on for four hours or so after I first decided I needed to crash and sleep...and the floor was so uncomfortable...like sleeping on a rock. Me and ben kept growing really really horny at times on the floor with the blanket tent shelter, totally in world away from the other two pals there which i felt wrong about doing...but we kept pushing to do that stuff despite the fact that they were there and observing us, or well the constantly moving blanket w/ us two lumps under it lol...I know it doesn't bother me much to see other people in action nor make me at ill ease but this is through the eyes of a girl who is peace-loving and accepting and open-minded w/ everything...but I mean sometimes it can make me squirmy and i donno...but only b/c I feel I'm intruding in their personal private time tis all. i just felt wrong though, all wrong doing that there..and persistantly...we were constantly like non-stop smooching...that and just going against partents all the time like that, well more both our moms specifically...moms tend to be like that, more close-minded and unwilling to accept their children are grown-up and such...yeah, we are often leading them out of believing that sex is what we do when we hang out, but we go against them and do it...why can't they just accept that this is the point of time for hormones to be at their peaks, just accept that youth is limited...it comes and gos before our eyes...and this is all a part of growing and expanding and living life to its fullest...ugh sex is only so controversial because many religions have grown opposed to it or something of the like and religion stretches years and years back into the history of man, has lead us to believe its full of rotton things...but they began to see it as rotten b/c its only purpose then was to bring children into lives and children would often be burdens if you wound up w/ too many of them so therefore something had to be done, a messege had to be put through that it was wrong to have sex w/out marrige first and all that crap only b/c they didn't have the technology of this age...birth control...now that we have it things are safer, visions *should* change and more positive tends to come out of having sex than negative from all that I have read and such...anywho, best to stop discussing now for i'm cloudy-eyed...

My dad was slightly over the edge this evening from drinking too much at the Scotts' place. He still is..just went upstairs like two min ago kinda urging me a little more heavily than ever before to get up to bed soon. uck. I'm tired so i guess i will heed to his word. I...don't look forward to tomorrow b/c my dad's slight drunkeness allowed many built up rages and feelings inside my dad, lead him to call up my mom blast to her over the phone about my working tomorrow b/c i hadn't made plans to work to begin w/ just meet w/ the boss Connie and discuss my schedual for the upcoming weeks...i'd like to work from like 8 to 12 or 1 if that's possible..i hope it is :D anywhoz,

Current Mood: annoyed
Friday, December 19th, 2003
9:13 am
I had a great night last night! i'm so happy right now! :D but sad i'll be leaving...but then again i'm going to spend time with my beloved boyfriend for a good long time...twill be a good month and a half :D
Tuesday, December 16th, 2003
2:14 pm
i wish i could still slip into the autumn shade...i could sleep for days
28 Days was a very engaging movie, freaky, but it has a pleasant ending and all and its filmed in London and England all with british accents..reminds me of bein' there again...altho I wouldn't want to be there if something like what had happened in the movie occurred :b...and it has a *brilliant* soundtrack...(esp. the Grandaddy song they slipped in there). I gotta look that up before i forget to...but yeah, I highly reccomend...anywho, I'm busy here, finished 2 exams...have three to go...one of those in like 18 min. and its the one I'm most prepared to take! whoohoo! :D

Uck my dad just called and informed me of his being an hour later than originally planned...instead of 7 he will now be arriving at 8. That's a full three hours after they close our hall. I will be waiting in below freezing with nothing to do but curl up on top of my bin and other crap I guess and wait. Hopefully there won't be any dying involved so I'm okay with it. I don't know if I can trust leaving stuff out on the landing in front tho but i'll try it out...there's no where else to place everything b/c snow covers everywhere...deeep snow too...its purdy :D but if I can trust leaving the stuff there I could prob hang out in the HUB for some time

Uck I need to purchase gifts for people...I think I'll handmake the cards again too since I have time on my hands and I would like to put my creative energies to good use. That's prolly what I'll be doing, anywho, I'm gonna get ready...eleven min....see ya!!

Current Mood: exhausted
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